tay395

04:16 pm: This is the only place where I can say this, and it needs to be said:

I just cured my hangover with rock and roll.

10:33 pm: I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I suck. I'm an idiot. I quit. I can't do this. I...................... OOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHINY.

I cycle from violently depressed, to just violent, to snarky several times a minute. hunkerdownhunkerdownhunkerdownhunkerdown. I'm in danger of overreaching again. I'm procrastinating again. I'm disingenuous at best again. I love that old kind of Rock and Roll again.

question: If you have a panic attack during a Chinese test and literally can't answer over half the test, but stay quiet, does anyone hear your soul screaming?

I'm slowly realizing that high-school drama is actually all-the-time drama and suicide seems like a delightful alternative. Or World of Warcraft. At least in WoW I can /ignore anybody who's pissing me off.

oh by the way, I JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE. 11,000 feet, 120 mph. I've taken off more times than I've landed. I want to do it again, nothing makes you appreciate life like seeing the world go from very small to very large in a very short amount of time. So strike that one off the list... I think next I'll either get a motorcycle license or learn another instrument.

11:40 pm: I'm not really sure what to feel right now... (because all the cool kids are doing it)

It was an interesting experience watching Senator McCain's concession speech and then President-Elect Obama's acceptance speech. They were clearly emotional moments for both men, as well as for their supporters. I watched as people cheered, waved flags, jumped up and down. I heard them scream their approval and roar their disappointment, sing, chant, and pray. I looked on as old politicians and young students wept.

I realized that later in my life, I'll have grandchildren call me up to ask me what it was like to watch the first black man get elected President of the United States of America. I realized that I'll tell them it was this life changing event, that I could feel history shudder into a new path. I'll tell them it filled me with great expectations for my future, and for the future of my country. I'll tell them how it felt as if the country were poised on the edge of a new era of greatness after sixty years of bitterness, cynicism, and self-loathing. I'll tell them that I was swept up in the feeling, and joined whole-heartedly in this great national movement of redemption.
Essentially, I'll lie.

Because I don't feel any of that. I'm not happy, thrilled, excited, or proud. I'm not outraged, afraid, disgusted, or sad. I certainly don't feel any hope- I've had my vaccination, thank you very much. Apathy isn't quite the right word, because I do care about my nation. Reservation isn't the right word either, nor is confidence- and I'll certainly never say optimism, "faith in humanity" is an alien concept to me now. I think I'll settle with 'warily disconnected', or possibly 'suspiciously aloof' because it sounds funnier.

I don't know what the coming years will bring. I don't like the path this country has been on... unfortunately I don't think either of the esteemed gentlemen running for President this year offered anything better. I think this country will country will continue the tradition of bitter partisanship, of underhanded tactics and ad hominem attacks. I think the courts will continue to make rulings based more in politics than in jurisprudence, that legislatures will continue to be controlled by the lobbyists, and that our leaders will continue to make decisions based on what's popular rather than what's right. I think voters will continue to vote for selfish, stupid, irrational reasons... in other words, with their hearts, not their heads. I see more hard times, not less.

There is a curious paradox within me, a mixture of fascinated longing and disgusted contempt. Part of me wants that reassurance, that blind seething passion that I saw on the faces of so many people tonight. I want to have that kind of pride, that kind of belief. But there is a growing part of me that is horrified by it. Not just horrified, but... disappointed. So many of you revel in your ignorance. I looked at the crowds and what I saw resembled not so much a group of people, but a herd of sheep, and with half the common sense. "There are none so blind as those who will not see."

A thought emerges from the crowd, like a man skulking in the back of the bar while the regulars all file out after last call. It leans across the counter, and it wears my own face as it says to me in my own voice, "Maybe there isn't anything wrong with you. Maybe you're exactly right and there is something wrong with these people around you. Maybe the world has gone crazy, and only you are sane. Maybe you're just better than them." I kick him out of the bar, but it's impossible to keep him out... especially since he's the only one who consistently pays his tab.

I hope you voted. I hope you voted for the right reasons, because you researched platforms and policy propisitions and decided on which candidate most mirrored your desires. I hope you voted out of logical conclusion not emotional reaction. I hope you practiced your right to control your nation, and I hope you're proud of the fact that you did what men and women have died to ensure you could do.

But I also hope that you knew you were doing a futile act in a flawed system- but that this fact didn't deter you.
Sometimes the charade is more important than the reality.

"Don't put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions. People die, and nothing changes."

02:42 pm: I'm starting a fast-lived active movement in response the political challenges of this modern day:

Vader '08!!!

because he could kick McCain and Obama's ass at the same time... and would do as much good for this country as either of them will wind up doing. sarcasm.

12:22 am: Choose.
easy at first
boxers or briefs?
pepsi or coke?
a little bit harder
drama or comedy?
cinema or theater?
a little bit more
liberal or conservative?
Marx or Keynes?
harder yet still
faith or disbelief?
half full or half empty?
hardest of all
family or dreams?
mercy or justice?
do good or do right?

lest we forget
the ones we can't help
though wish that we could
cunning or idiocy
courage or cowardice
truth or dishonesty
tenacity or laziness
confession or silence

01:13 am: The last five songs I got from iTunes
Beelzeboss- Tenacious D
Welcome Home- Coheed and Cambria
Beat It- Fall Out Boy (ft. John Mayer)
99 Problems/Points of Authority/One Step Closer- Jay Z & Linkin Park
Green Grass and High Tides- The Outlaws


oh dear...

01:24 am: DCI was great
I miss marching band. The music, the activity, the challenge, the reward, the people, the traditions. I miss having a sense of purpose and knowing that I was part of something greater. I miss knowing that I was surrounded by people who -mostly- weren't going to let me down or disappoint me. I miss having something to brag about, something I knew I was really good at.
I want to feel accomplished again. Right now I just feel bored and frustrated. And disappointed in myself. And a little humiliated. And a little ashamed.
I demand that I become better than I have been.

03:25 am: w
    h
       y

so


s   u   o   i   r   e   s?

HAHAAHahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaHAHAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahhaha

11:36 pm: so, this just in, naked is a lot of fun

11:49 pm: This entry is solely to entertain one, Ashley Hardy, who I have not seen since Spring Break which is, to quote an old band director, "a shame".

In other news, I am now working at Cheddars and should anybody come into that restaurant should try to request me, as I give excellent service. In more ways than one. Ladies.

And now, for something completely different, I am off to go to sleep to wake up early to go water-proof walls with my twin (he's the good one, I'm the evil one), then hopefully find something to do tomorrow night.

I also need to take a defensive driving course. Two actually. Did I mention how much I love the city of Temple?

Obligatory music quote:

Well you're just as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
fucking up all I do
Welcome Home- Coheed and Cambria

Obligatory movie quote:

The line must be drawn, here
Cpt. Jean Luc Picard, First Contact

12:33 am: Things to do before I die:

- Jump from an airplane (preferably with a parachute)
- Drive a motorcycle for a great distance
- Road trip with old friends across the country with no planned destination
- Travel around Europe, once more with friends (something to be done when one euro isn't worth about a billion dollars)
- gain an elected office
- participate in a just act
- maintain moral integrity
- learn guitar
       - play a bitchin' solo in front of a screaming crowd
       - be in a rock band (Z-Ryan and the Awesomenauts needs to happen for real)
- learn piano
       - play something sad and gentle
       - play something upbeat and jazzy
                -flirt with a girl who is sitting on top of the piano whilst playing and singing the jazzy song
- make a movie
- be somehow involved in a production of Rosencratz and Guildenstern
- make news
- make history
- learn bag pipes
- learn two other languages passably
- have a job that matters
- actually earn my parent's love
- have a conversation with a girl that goes as well in reality as it does in my head
- be somebody other people aspire to be like
- never grow complacent
- have enough money towards the end of my life that I can start a charity
- race a horse
- create, market, and make money off of bacon-rings
- get through school without accruing student debt
- be as good a swing dancer as this one older gent up here in Dallas. Seriously, he's awesome.
- have a moment where "that's what she said" can be used with full sobriety
- stop walking right into stupid mistakes
- come up with a joke clever enough that other people start using it
- get in really really really good shape
- not live a typical life
- contribute something other than taxes to my country
- meet Terry Pratchett
- attend ACL with reasonable consistency
    - be at a "you wish you had been there" concert
- sleep overnight in an outdoor hammock
- not let popular consensus lower my standards
- read
    - the Bible
    - the Quran
    - the Tripitaka
- write
    - live a life worth writing about
- watch
    - a professional rendition of one of Shakespeare's greater works
    - a Lord of the Rings marathon.
    - a Star Wars marathon
    - the AFI 100 greatest movies
    - someone I know become greater than they were
    - a friend succeed
    - the stars in a desert night again
- taste
    - haggis
    - alligator
    - a self caught, cleaned, and cooked meal
    - as many perfect green grapes as I can get away with
    - victory
- sing
    - the blues
    - rock 'n roll
    - a self written walking song
- have a "yarg, I'm a badass" moment
- leave this world
    - greater than I was
    - better than I found it

Late Additions
- participate in Flugtag
- go to an MCR concert with Amber and Gabby
- learn the put-your-fingers-in-your-mouth-and-loudly-whistle technique. you know the one.
- be able to do that run up a wall and then back flip thing.
- learn to tango

04:00 pm: Public Service Announcement
If there is nothing in your kitchen but Ramen and cheese slices, you've only had cereal all day, and you are freaking hungry, do not, under any circumstances turn on the goddamn food channel.

11:48 pm: I have always wondered why I keep coming back to post on this thing. It's hardly a mature thing to do, posting on live journal- especially when I tend to post one of two things: either bitter cynicism or random insanity. I suppose that it's purpose is so that I might talk to myself, and as anyone who has done that knows, it's no good talking to yourself where only YOU can hear it, you must talk to yourself where others can be present. The point of asking advice isn't to actually receive it, it's to air your problem out and decide what you're going to do, regardless of what the other party says. When seen in that light, live-journal makes perfect sense- I have the opportunity to release some steam, vomit up some crazy and, conversely, to get textual evidence and reasoning out of any present dilemma, color it with the appropriate shade of depressing rhetoric, and get on with whatever conclusion I've already come to.

That said, the world has turned to sand. It's the usual state for existence, dusty shadows, omnipresent sinkholes, mud that sucks at your feet, your hands, your vision, your ambition, your lungs, your spine, your knees, your genitals, dragging against your skin, the necessary inertia that lies in everything and must be overcome. But your heart keeps beating, your lungs keep breathing, your brain keeps firing away, even in the dead of night, and life wrestles its way forward. You become involved, in faith, in friends, in substance, in intangibles, in the aesthetic, in the intellectual, in the guttural, in the sexual, in competition, in community. And with every motion, with every acceleration, with every action, in any direction, we wrench ourselves out of the sand and as our speed increases, so the mud's ability to grip and hold decreases. Each of us has their million little life lines, be it ambition, compulsion, guilt, hope, desire, disgust, vengeance, grief or happiness, love or hatred. A million tiny threads, each pulling in a thousand different directions. We are as comets caught in molten glass, and to be still is to die Caesar's scorned death.

My impetus is slowing- my will is becoming lax, my habits sloven, my actions sloth. I know I will never be content with any lot I find myself in, but the tendency to sit in unhappy discontent is becoming disturbingly pronounced. On one hand; I'm sure it is a result of my circumstances, my environment, my personality, my biology... but on the other, I have never enjoyed sitting through the trials and tribulations that all are obliged to participate in.

Below me, Icarus seems to be having a problem. I understand his issue- wax and feathers have always been so treacherous. Strings of relation and artificial wings- notorious in their brevity, fleeting patchwork appointments. It is with a quizzical look and a gut-wrenching sensation that I regard my own bare arms, flapping, heedless of their own lack of purchase. A deep sigh, and I proceed with the arduous task of reconstruction, despairing all the while of reaching the craftsmanship of my previous machination, divine, nigh angelic in inspiration. But it is a needed thing, to fly. To soar. As I free fall, I notice my recalcitrant appendages, they are describing their own descent from our mutual height. "Silly wings" I muse "Don't they know we work better together?" I continue working on my present design, still necessary, frustrated by it's rudeness and my own inept fingers, numb in the cold air and clumsy from lack of use. I often steal glances at the departed crests. The issue of reunion remains unresolved.            

09:25 pm: 2 pts each
"You ever swat a fly with the morning newspaper? EVER SEE THE FLY GET EVEN?"

"Dahlin' I believe you're not wearin' a bustle... how lewd"

"Welcome to Earth"

"Sheep... there's sheep, why're there sheep?...what is this Scotland?"

"Captain... I'm a monster"

"Crusty jugglers"

"we have to compromise..."
"no. Not even in the face of armegeddon. never compromise"

"It's time to buzz a tower"

"...oh my god, you're dating me"

12:17 am: OBTUSE!!!
for every action there is...

12:32 am: I am your end. I am oblivion. I am that which waits for you in the night, the silent fear that grips your throat as you stare into the pitiless darkness and know that all you love and do is as nothing. I am the Abyss, the Cataclysm, Megido, Ragnarok, and nemesis. I am the undoing of all that you have created, the antithesis of all you value, the poison sapping at the roots of your beliefs. My father is the churning mind of the individual, my mother is time. I am the constant shadow to your actions, the companion you dare not acknowledge. I am the most dangerous thing to ever exist, and I have stalked this world since the universe was vomited from nothingness. I am all consuming, and unquenchable. I am omnipotent and unpreventable. I am inevitable. I am chaos. I am change. And none can escape me.   

02:25 pm: On a cold winter morning
In the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign
We ride towards the fight
When the darkness is falling down
And the times are tough or right
The sand of evil laughter
Falls around the world tonight
Fightin' hard, fightin' on for the steel
Through the wastelands evermore
The scattered souls will feel the hell
Bodies wasted on the shores

On the blackest wings in hell's terrain
We watch the lands become
In fire and flame, now once again we know

So now we're flying, we're free
We're free before the thunderstorm
Hunt towards the wilderness
Our quest carries on
Far beyond the sun down, far beyond the moonlight
Deep inside our hearts and all our souls

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on

As the red day is dawning
And the lightning cracks the sky
They will raise their hands to the heavens above
With resentment in their eyes
Running back through the midmorning light
There's a burning in my heart
We're banished from the time in the foreign land
To a light beyond the stars

In your blackest dreams see to the need
That destiny is tied
And endlessly we're roaming free tonight

And on the wings of a dream so far beyond reality
All alone in desperation, now the time has gone
Lust inside you'll never find, lust within my own mind
Day after day this misery must go on

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on

Now here we stand with their blood on our hands
We fought so hard, now can we understand
I'll break the seal of this curse if I possibly can
For freedom of every man

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on

01:44 am: It's like those cell phone commercials...
I like a lot of different types of music. I need a band that provides that type of entertainment, a little group I like to call The Led-Street KillerRomances FooTallica JoviForce. Their hit single is roughly half an hour long and guaranteed to rock your fucking brains out.

12:51 pm:
Robert Jordan died earlier this year. It was recently announced that Terry Pratchett has a rare form of early onset Alzheimer's. God hates the writers I love most.

yet "just kidding" rowlin is still alive and well.

mo' harry potter books, but no more Discworld or  Wheel of Time.

There's no justice in this world

10:36 pm: I could totally be Paul McCartney right now. I could pull it off.

A'oooooooooooooh, werewolves in London
Watch out for him, he'll tear your lungs out Jim
oh man, but I'd like to meet his tailor

Not the Beatles. But jazz!

So what you have to keep in the forefront of your mind is that people aren't good or bad: they're people, and no one thinks of themself as the bad guy. They do stupid, hurtful things, often in the name of "getting even", "just speaking my mind", "I just think that..." or "trying to get them to act better". Everyone does this, we're all guilty of it, that's how people work. Deal with it as you will, and never think you haven't done it, or don't do it often.
Its just a weird feeling to think of a person and have them be in a category of "You should be better than this, but I understand why you aren't." I've just never gotten used to being disappointed in people.

*shrug. anyways.

I want to shoot a movie. It would have a fairly basic plot, one that could be easily followed just off of editing, cinematography, and body language- because there will be no dialog. Just music, action, and the mise-en-scene. I think it would be great.

Oh, I also want to have a) a nerf gun war, b) a fake light saber duel, c) a giant game of capture the flag, and d) an assassination carried out with water balloons on an unsuspecting target. Not necessarily in the movie, I just want to do those things.

I think it would be great.